I just wanted to take a few minutes to beat the everliving shit out of an article by AskMen.com, titled “Top 10 Drinks for Guys”. I know it’s not easy making a Top X list, there are all kinds of factors and not everyone will agree with your placement, it goes with the territory. However, this one is so insultingly bad, and so tremendously misses either in drink selection or placement on nearly every single one, that I couldn’t let it go by. So go read it. Go ahead, I’ll wait…
Ok great. Now let’s take a look at each entry and explain why it’s wrong.
AskMen.com…Just kidding, we don’t really ask men!
10. Bulleit Neat – Bourbon is not the problem here. Bourbon is fantastic. However, there are two problems with this.
1. This is at 10, in last place. The most manly drink out there, the national spirit of the U S of friggin’ A is at last place? Really?
2. The specific mention of Bulleit bourbon, which is a great bourbon, but shows that AskMen is probably under some kind of advertising contract or something by Bulleit. Things like that are going to throw the list off, as you’ll see throughout our discussion.
9. Billionaire’s Margarita – Dumb, dumb, dumb. This would only be ordered by showboating jackasses with too much money and not enough brains to know you don’t put premium hooch in a drink like this. There are simply too many flavors competing here to enjoy the top shelf booze as it should be enjoyed. They don’t combine forces like Voltron to make a super-drink, they mix and muddle and dilute and lessen when added together. This is just basic.
“Yeah bro, we like Billionaire’s Margaritas…how did you know?”
8. A Hole in One – Not only will you have to remember how the drink is made and all the ingredients, because no bar (or clubhouse) is going to know this drink, but you’ll have to find one that actually keeps unsweetened tea and honey on standby for guys who’d order a drink like this. Which I’m sure are very few.
7. Kamikaze – I laughed really hard when I saw this on the list. This is a shot sorority girls down by the dozen, and belongs nowhere near this list. It’s not bad, per se, but it’s just not specifically manly, and has such a party/sorority/frat reputation that even in full-drink form, it fails as identifying the drinker as manly.
This came up when I searched for Kamikaze. This shouldn’t be you.
6. Buchanan’s en Las Rochas – I don’t even know where to start with this one, it’s so amazingly stupid.
1. I’m guessing this is supposed to be in spanish for some unknown reason, but “on the rocks” in spanish is “en las rocas”, not Rochas. I’d attribute it to a typo, but they repeat the error again in the commentary. Purposely stupid, or lazy writing? YOU be the judge!
2. All this is is a scotch on the rocks. AskMen has inexplicably chosen off-brand blended whisky Buchanan’s. I’m sure it’s a fine scotch, but the way they’ve presented it is such a spectacular series of blunders it deserves special attention.
5. Perfect Pour – Again, unnecessary name for a simple drink. Johnnie Walker Blue, neat. That’s what this drink is, so just say it! And a snifter isn’t really a proper scotch whisky vessel, there are plenty of whisky glasses designed specifically for drinking scotch, so why not do it right? Especially if you’re going to shell out the $40-50 per glass this is bound to run you.
4. Black Velvet – So many problems here…
1. Champagne isn’t measured in pints, dipshit
2. This is definitely questionable man-drink territory, and…
3. Why is this ranked so high? I understand putting an “edgy” drink like this on the list, but it should be near or at the bottom of the list. C’mon guys.
Know what’s more manly than your champagne-and-beer cocktail? ACTUAL BLACK VELVET.
3. Captain & Cola – Sweet feathery Jesus, are you guys serious!?! Protip: If your rum is so bad you have to add spices to it so people can drink it, it’s not very good rum. And while AskMen has had no problem name-dropping nearly every booze manufacturer out there, they for some reason leave “Coke” out and substitute “cola” in. Huh?
2. Dirty Martini – I have no problem with dirty martinis…just not prepared like this. First, they name-drop Smirnoff vodka. Smirnoff? Vodka? If you’re going to be a man with your drinks, go all the way and drink it with gin the way God intended. Then they tell you to prepare it shaken. NO! People only order this because they’re to stupid to know that James Bond liked watered-down martinis. He was a spy, he needed to keep his wits about him, so he ordered them shaken which dissolves more water into the drink. If you really want your drink chilled but not on the rocks, order it rolled.
1. All-Irish Black and Tan – This is more manly than straight bourbon, straight scotch, scotch on the rocks, or a dirty martini? I’m fine with the inclusion of this off-brand version of a Black and Tan, but there’s simply no way it belongs in the number one slot. NO.
So I don’t think they asked a single guy while writing this article. They try to lure guys in at the beginning of the article by maligning the Apple Martini and Sex on the Beach (which is already well-worn territory), but everything after that is total failure. This is hugely disappointing, guys.
via :: drinkhacker (who else?)
Man, you put a lot of thought into that one. When I read the list I kept wondering when “can of Coors Light” was going to show up. – Your friends at Drinkhacker.com
There’s just so much bad booze writing out there, it really bothers me, especially from a site who supposedly pull in 5 million readers a month. It pained me to know that many people were being mislead so far off the track by a supposedly reliable source. Thanks for the link to it.
Good points all-around. AskMen really dropped the ball with that list so I’m glad you called them out (though, admittedly, I do enjoy the occasional Black Velvet).
You think John McClane would drink a Billionaire Margarita? Not on your life. Real men drink bourbon.
Quick Tip about the black and tan. Don’t order it in Ireland, some will refuse to make it, others will get pissed, and all will be irked. the name refers to the Royal Irish Constabulary Reserve Force, which was employed to suppress the revolution in Ireland. Although it was established to target the Irish Republican Army, it became notorious through its numerous attacks on the Irish civilian population. I, like an idiot, ordered it in 3 bars, always wondering why I got such blank stares, until one finally refused to make it. I later asked one of my relatives living in Ireland and they told me the tale.
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