Attention beer drinkers: A new enemy has surfaced. No, not another anti-drinking group of angry mothers or a teetotaling politician looking for an election year boost. This threat comes from within. From people who claim to be one of us, and even purport to be on our side. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Beer on a Stick:
WHAT. IS. THIS?
Seriously, wtf? Why would you ever EVER need this? Tired of trying to hold on to your drinks with normalized balance levels? Unnatural fear of contact with glasses/cups? HUH? Come my friends, and walk with me…let me take you through a list of the supposed “benefits” of this idiotic product and possible reasons why you might ever want to place your beverage in this device (bolded points courtesy of BOAS, following commentary courtesy of ME):
- Beer not warmed by hand – People have this problem? How slow are you drinking your beer? Moreover, how hot are your hands, exactly? Warm enough to essentially microwave your beer, I guess.
- Hand will not get cold & wet – How sensitive to cold are your palms? So sensitive you can’t hold onto a chilled drink? And really, any cold beverage is going to get your hand slightly damp. We’ve lived with it our entire lives, it’s a hardship I think we’ve all learned to endure.
- Unique and fun to use – NOPE. “Awkward and difficult to explain” is far more accurate.
- Sits easily on a table – I’d love to see how they pull this off. Do they mean you should set it on the edge of the table and leave the holder part hanging down? Did they forget WE HAVE KNEES?
- Holds 16/20 oz. cups and 1-pint glasses – NEWSFLASH: 16oz is the same as 1 pint. It’s clear by the existence of your product you despise humanity and assume we are all mouth-breathingly unstoppably-droolingly stupid (maybe even stupid enough to buy Beer on a Stick!), but it’s over the line insulting to assume we don’t know basic measurements.
- Excellent Marketing tool – I can only imagine the strange looks you’d get if you handed this to a potential client: “Is this a…do I put my uhh…in the? …should I sit on the..? You know what, I don’t think we can do business with your company, I’m pretty sure you just made a horrible assumption about my sex life”
- Custom Logos – The quickest way to smear your business’s name!
- Unlimited colors – Even LIFE has a limited number of colors. Again, don’t assume we’re as retarded as you.
- Re-usable – No thanks, the once was more than enough.
Need further proof? Look at this promo shot from their website:
FLAMING, right? They took the biggest, muscleiest guy they could find*, stuck a Beer on a Stick in his hand, and he is magically transformed into the gayest preening prancing ponce you’ve ever seen. If the toughest dude they could find looks queerer than a $3-dollar bill when holding a Beer on a Stick, what will you look like?
This menace to beer drinking must be stopped. They simply cannot be allowed to exist any longer. To add insult to injury, they require a minimum order of at least 10 units to buy them. How big are the balls on these guys? “No, you can’t just order one of these as a joke to show your friends, you have to buy at least 10 of them and spend $25 (plus shipping!) to tell your mocking hurtful jokes, Mr. Funnyguy. Also, you’re adopted.”
I implore you, dear reader, DO NOT BUY THIS PRODUCT. These people are undercover Drys trying to destroy drinking culture from the inside. They must not succeed, and our inebriated (and susceptible to faux-beer drinker influence) brethren must not be duped into purchasing such a moronic item.
Please…think of the children.