Hey beer guys relax with the hops already

Hi guys! Missed you!

Sweet step-parent Christmas in a rape van, I can’t take it anymore. It seems like everywhere I look, some beermaker is doing their best to obliterate my palate with their newest frigging hopsplosion (TRADEMARKED BITCHES) of a beer. I get it, you’re craft beer makers and you use lots of hops which the big beer-makers don’t do. Good work. Thanks for hunting down all the hops for us Veronica Mars, but you didn’t need to put ALL of them in every stupid beer you make. I don’t even understand how you jokers purport to have beer and food pairings when your quintuple-dry-hopped “Hopgasm” (DOUBLE TRADEMARKED) has blown the bejeezus out of my tastebuds and my broasted organic quail on saffron-infused angel farts tastes like 10-day old turkey cold-cuts. Face it, we can’t taste CRAP (thankfully?) after you bitter-bomb our faces with your over-hopped garbage.

Do you think it’s hard to add lots of hops to beer? Because it isn’t. I’m no rocket surgeon but beer isn’t all THAT hard to make, and adding a metric BARF-ton of hops to your beers isn’t science or unique or even clever, it’s kind of stupid. Why do you think beers like Bud and Miller and even Stella Artois sell like gangbusters? BECAUSE THEY’RE EASY TO DRINK AND PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO DO MOUTH HOMEWORK OR SUFFER TO ENJOY A DAMN BEER. Beer is low alcohol because you’re meant to drink lots of it. You want to get blitzed quickly, meet my longtime friend Hard Liquor (watch out though, she’s known to swipe the change from the dresser and hump the birdfeeder). But BEER is meant to be enjoyed at a reasonable rate with a low chance of hitting on your sister-in-law. Flavorful, fun, -and most importantly- easy to drink; beer is the ultimate social beverage.

Look, I appreciate all of the new and interesting things brewers are using and adding to beers these days. Honestly, it’s very cool! Dogfish Head and Magic Hat and everyone else out there are doing some really amazing work at making incredible beers we all can enjoy. My one wish, my deathbed plea (who would buy a deathbed?) is that brewers across this amazing country of ours stop shoving all the hops they can find into beers and start making beers I can drink everyday with my friends. Flavors like bitter and sour? They remind people of poison. JUST SAYING.



2 Responses to “Hey Beer Guys, Relax With The Hops Already”

  1. Stephanie says:

    Hi Jon,

    Glad to see that you’re blogging again! I haven’t heard from you since August 2010. I hope the portable ice maker we sent to you has been working out well. I would really appreciate it if you would reply to my email at [email protected] with your status.

    Stephanie S
    [email protected]

  2. Nathan says:

    We’ve missed you, Jon!!

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