In defense of canned beer

For some reason once upon a time, someone decreed that beer in bottles was classier and cooler and better than beer in cans. That bottles should forever and for always be the gold standard of drinking and quality beer. Well guess what, kemosabe? They were DEAD WRONG. Well at least that’s what I believe, and guess what…it’s my website! So get ready to be taken to Can School, bitches!

I’m ready to present the argument that cans are superior to bottles….is there anyone out there with the plums to take me on? Let me present my arguments with numbers next to them:

1. Cans Are Opaque – Clearly the frontrunner in arguments against bottles, cans aren’t see-through, and therefore impervious to harmful UV rays and the damage of the horrible, accursed, butthole sun. It’s like your own personal keg, and we all know that draught beer is the best beer. Cans deliver beer to your face in it’s purest possible form, untouched by the dillweed rays of Sol, insulating against the trickery of summer. Cans rule.

BOOSH! Is your face ready for the Canpocalypse!?!

2. It’s Environmentally Superior – Cans are way way lighter than some heavy-ass glass. That equates to lighter trucks which means less gas spent on hauling beer from Whereverthehell straight to your ugly mug. Plus, they’re 100% recyclable. Less environmental waste > you getting plastered. Sorry dude.

3. Cans Almost Never Break – But bottles do. In shipping trucks and in retail stores, bottled beers slam against each other every time they’re moved from place to place, increasing your chances for a Shards ‘O Glass cocktail. Cans may scratch, may dent, may even burst…but they’ll never shoot hunks of razor-sharp glass down your throat. That’s the Can Promise!

4. High-Quality Microbeweries Are Already Doing It – Think cans are just for Milwaukee’s Best and Natty Lite? Tell that to Oskar Blues, the kick-ass microbrew who decided to go with cans over bottles and hasn’t looked back since. Their award-winning Old Chub, Dale’s Pale Ale, and Gordon brews (which I’ve all personally tasted) are able to go head-to-head with any microbrew out there. Just like many in the wine industry are moving to plastic corks and screwtops because they’re smarter in the long run, ahead-of-the-curve brewerys are choosing cans over bottles.

“Hi, I’m Gordon Beer, in a can and ready to kick ASS. If you’re feelin’ froggy, then jump sucka!”

5. They Just Drink Better – Maybe it’s just me, but the cans I’ve drank out of seemed way easier to sip or even chug from than most bottles. Not that chugging is the ultimate goal of drinking beer…but when you are chugging beer, cans just seem so much better suited for high-capacity drinking that bottles.

6. The “Ease of Use” Factor – Dismiss it if you want, but ease-of-use is something that cans have in spades. Pull the tab towards you and you’re ready for business. No need to tear up your hand trying to twist a cap off, or having to hunt down a bottle-opener. Want to pack up a bunch to take to the lake or the playground? Cans stack up well and are way more compact than gangly awkward bottles.

So there it is. By my count, that’s Cans: 6, Bottles: 0. If that were a hockey score, it’d be a massacre. So anyone care to dispute me? Take a swing at my argument in the comments* if you think you got the stones. Or if another website cares to take umbrage with me, post it up on your site and if the trackbacks in the comments don’t pick it up, I’ll link to it. I’ve been itchin’ for a showdown.

*And I mean this site’s comments, not like all you crybabies who leave comments on Stumbleupon where I can’t argue with you. That’s just not fair!

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