The great herpes from beer pong epidemic of 09

No kidding guys, this is Real Talk.  According to Kathryn Foley of The Massachusetts Daily Collegian, you can get lots of herpes from playing beer pong.  Seriously, WAY more herpes than you probably want.  They used tons of science to figure it out.  The article, which cites no particular study, states:

“The Center for Disease control said reports of the virus are up 230-percent from 2007 in people ages 17 to 21, and it’s all from sharing cups.”

BEER PONG cups, ya’ll.  Here’s some more for realz science good ol’ Kathryn drops on us:

“It is estimated that nine out of 10* people have been exposed to HSV-1 (herpes) and do not even know it, and this is mostly because they are not experiencing any of the symptoms.”

You read that right, according to K-Dogg, roughly 90% of the world’s population has The Herps and doesn’t even know it.  The risk, she claims, is just as high as getting the common cold.  

Here’s the real kicker, though.  I was hesitant to drop this knowledge on you, but if Professor Kathryn Foley, Dean of Beer Pong And How It Can Kill You says it, it’s probably true:

“According to the Center for Disease Control, unprotected beer pong play is nearly as dangerous as unprotected sex.”

Guys, we have to stop playing beer pong or we’re going to die!  I’m amazed most college students aren’t AIDS-ridden, pregnant, and DEAD from all the beer pong they play, since it’s nearly as dangerous as unprotected sex!  Also…there’s such a thing as “protected” beer pong play?  

The problem, she states, is how many people drink from the same cups and how the balls have been touched by so many people and then when they miss, they hit the floor and usually roll through some pretty icky stuff.  Because herpes lives in the dust under your couch. AS WE ALL KNOW.  But don’t worry, Kathristotle, the Bearer of All Knowledge, has a solution to save us all:

“One effortless and logical way to avoid catching one of these nasty diseases is by simply playing with water cups instead of beer.”

Oh THANK GOD for you, Kathryn of Nazareth, for saving our ignorant beer-swilling lives!  It’s a good thing she remembered that water can’t transmit herpes, unlike beer.  We’re such a bunch of dumbass drinkers we forget sometimes that beer is capable of transmitting all evil and sins, and water is always ALWAYS without taint or blemish, and could never harm us.  It’s also herpes- and dust-proof.   That statement is overflowing with logic.  FOR HER IT WAS EFFORTLESS, BUT FOR US IT COULD HAVE BEEN DEADLY.  


One of these girls is renowned herpetologist** and beer pong expert Dr. Kathryn Foley…but which one!?!

Ok, enough fooling around.  This article hurts my brain SO HARD.  Even IF there is some remotely correct scientific backing to this article (which I highly doubt, because really…the CDC studies beer pong?), the author’s disdain for drinking drips through every sentence.  She hates drinking so much she’s willing to spread information that she doesn’t just hope will deter people from drinking, she’s also willing to risk her just-budding reputation on an article fraught with false information and downright willful stupidity.  She’s willing to ruin her potential career and threaten you with diseases because she hates drinking.  THAT is how much she hates it.  

I don’t think many people take how seriously people are fighting to keep you from drinking.  People are ANGRY you’re drinking.  People are fighting every single day to take away your rights as a drinker.  Your perfectly legal enjoyment of alcohol stirs up anger and fear and (most importantly) drives them to TAKE ACTION to stop each and every one of us from taking another sip.  I can’t buy alcohol on Sundays, because somebody who reviles my right to drink claims the bible says no booze on Sunday (it doesn’t) and has rallied enough other morons behind them to put real-live legislation in place to stop me.  Compared to some places I’m lucky, there’s a number of dry counties in my state where you can’t buy anything at all.  It’s sick.  They’re prohibitionists, plain and simple, and they won’t rest until every single bottle is gone.  

Back to Miss Foley.  Using the email address she provides along with her article, she shows up on Facebook.  Class of ’11.  She’s a sophomore, and 20 years old at best (I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt that she wasn’t held back at any time).  It’s certainly conceivable that she’s never had a drink in her life.  It’s possible that she has drank before and suffered some negative incident that she blames on alcohol, and that’s the source of her hatred.  I’m not going to waste time speculating as to why she hates drinking so much, but I will say it takes some pretty big balls to not even be of legal drinking age and write about consumption as if she’s an expert on the subject.  

Or herpes.  She could be a herpes expert, there’s a 90% chance, right?.

*“nine out of 10″?  It’s either “nine out of ten” or “9 out of 10″, but you don’t get to split the difference, hon

**I know a herpetologist isn’t a herpes doctor.  IT’S A JOKE, PEOPLE.

Thanks to the Bierstick crew on Twitter for the heads-up

One Response to “The Great Herpes-From-Beer-Pong Epidemic of ’09”

  1. […] story I talked about the other day where a college sophomore wrote a story claiming the CDC reported a link between beer pong and […]

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